Letter to the man who gave me the greatest gift of all.
Written at 3:19 p.m. on 2004-12-23
After some thinking about Larry and all the things that were going through my head,i desided to write him a letter. If you read my last entry i mentioned that i should send him a copy of that. I relized there was so much more that i wanted to say. After all the wrong he has done i still care about him and wish him the best. I guess it takes a pretty strong person to do the things i do,and say .
Dear Larry,
You know this breaks my heart that i have to send this to you in jail. I have spoken to your Mom,and brother and It's nice to know that you family is doing well,i wish i could say the same for you. The funny thing is,i knew this was going to happen to you atleast one more time.
The things i am going to say may offend you,or you might just let it roll off your shoulders. I tried so hard to help you get on the right track,i went out on a limb for you! Picked you up everyday,gave you money, worked my ass off so you would have a place to live when you came home,tried to keep you out of trouble and all i got was a slap in the face. It was like the harder i tried to help you the more you pulled away. I almost feel as if i wasted my time and yours. Giving my all to you has changed my life forever,should i ever care,should i ever help,will people ever appreciate the things that i have done?,will remember it all? That is something i may never have the anwser too,but lord knows i will ask myself everday.
I have known you for so many years,it seems as if i can never give up on you,even though there were times when i wanted too. There is this feeling that if "i give up on you,you will never be the man i met 10 years ago under the willow Tree. Some people will never know the man you were back then,i just hope you will find yourself before it is to late.
When it comes to Cheyenne i understand you are not sure if she is yours. I have tried to get the test done for about a year now with no luck! I know you want to know,but there is nothing more that i can do. i look at it this way" you have 2 years to think about getting a test,being a father,and what you are going to do diffrent when you get out this time. I also know that you are going to be a new father in a few months,i hope you do right by them (mother and child) . I have to be honest when i heard, i was angry,sad and confused. I am not sure what you are going to do all i know,is that when it comes to Cheyenne she comes first! She has been through it all. She knows she has a Dad that she never sees,and now she knows your in jail. Larry she is getting older and i can not hide things from her like i used to. She draws pictures in school all the time and in every picture you makes sure you,re in it. With every picture she draws,the more i want to cry. All of her friends have Dad's and she has to pretend "can you tell me why that is?"
Don't get me wrong i will always wish you the best in everything you do,but as life has changed i have too. Cheyenne will be 7 in a few months,and i can no longer lie to her. If there is anything that will help you along your lonley road,just think back to Her,and how you want her to remember you.
Wishing you the best,
Shannon
Merry Christmas
